LJI Week 11: The Rainbow Picket Fence

[alycewilson]

This is my entry for therealljidol. This week is an open topic, so I chose to write about something I've been thinking about a lot, ever since publishing a piece by actor Raymond J. Barry in Wild Violet where he mentioned his mother was also gay.

Wait a minute. Did she just say
my son looked gay? In his Navy blue
pea coat, his red and black tassled hat.
His chosen winter get-up at age 5.

An elderly acquaintance observed, If I'd
put that on my sons, they would have told me,
'That looks gay, Mom.' Stunned, I wonder:
Should I mention that my Mom
was gay? I just answered, They shouldn't
talk like that. Marked her down
in my book of who not to trust.

My mom, the artist, the gardener, was deliberately
nondescript. Blending into small-town
life, with the female "friend," who just happened
to live with her. Living like
a fugitive, hiding in plain sight.

In the 1960s, she'd wanted a family, impossible
for a single woman, let alone
a lesbian. She chose the simplest answer:
to pair up with her cheerful fellow clarinetist
that she did love, for a time, if her own
hand-written diary entries can be believed.
My dad: optimistic, gentle and supportive.
She didn't lie to him. He just thought
he could change her.

As a kid, I demanded traditional holidays.
Carols and hot chocolate at Christmas.
Santa, cookies and milk. Trying
to fill a gap I couldn't articulate. Hoping
if we behaved like a storybook, the pieces
would fall into place.

When I was in high school and my parents
separated, I felt strange relief. Tension
evaporated, my parents becoming
friends, as perhaps predestined.

I remembered Mom telling me about Uncle Harry.
He'd been gay but married her mother's sister anyway.
She'd always taken glee in this story. Always
seemed sneaky to me. Fine for Harry,
but what about his wife?

My siblings and I took note of a new friend
who acted furtive around us. Took off
suddenly when I came downstairs for water
and an aspirin, to find them sitting in the dark.

One bright autumn day, Mom and I
zipped down country roads in her hatchback.
I have something to tell you, she said,
eyes welling with tears. Her face flushed red.
I'm gay, she near whispered.

It's all right, Mom. I've known for years. And your daughter
wears Army boots, I said, propping my feet on the dashboard,
clad in Vietnam issue swamp boots. This scene
became one of her favorite stories.

Raised in a world where shame and scandal
followed truth, my Mom did what she could
to secure the life she wanted. We kids,
her enduring loves. Not exactly her fault
her rescuer kept hoping the maiden would
finally fall for him.

Happily ever after can be
complicated. No black-and-white endings
in a full-color world.

My mother, Vivian Starr, holds my son soon after his birth.

Comments

[bittyjane]

I read somewhere that poetry is the exact right word in the exact right place and I feel like that’s what you’ve got here. This spoke to me and I thank you so much for writing it.

[alycewilson]

Thank you for saying that! I tend to turn to poetry when I want to write something more immediate and tactile. I'm glad it spoke to you.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you for sharing, this is beautifully put.

[alycewilson]

Thank you. I'm glad you think so.

[bleodswean]

Your herstory is so fascinating, A, and you are the one to tell it and you tell it so well. Your mother was a pretty amazing woman!

I don't think the first two stanzas work here.

That closing stanza is perfect and calls to mind a rainbow-coloured world!

[alycewilson]

Yes, I think you're right about the first two stanzas. Just my way of getting into the poem. I'll cut them when I revise this, after the contest ends. Thanks!

I'm glad you like the later stanzas. You're right that Mom was a very interesting person.

[gunwithoutmusic]

I think the first two stanzas work well, actually - one of the things that my husband likes to ask me after I write something is, "Why?" Did I write something just to write something, or do I have a specific story to tell and reason to write this? In this case, while the "meat" of the poem is about your mother, if it wasn't for those first two stanzas, I'd find myself wondering, "Why? What is the reason she is sharing this with us?"

I agree that the first two stanzas seem incongruous, but rather than cutting them, I'd suggest expanding on the poem a little more and bringing it back around to the beginning at the end. It's clear that the intention is, "Did she just say my son looked gay? Well so freaking what?" and I love that you go back to your mother and back further to her uncle and what they had to deal with in a time before that was acceptable, but now you can bring it back around to your son and talk about how you hope for him that, no matter what he becomes in life, he's living in a time where he is free to be who and what he chooses, like illustrating, 'Hey, there is some hope for the future!'

[alycewilson]

That's a great idea. I had thought about bringing it forward again and talking more about my son and how we've talked about his grandma and also how I've told him some boys like girls and some boys like boys, and either way is perfectly normal. Something to think about for a revision!

[dsrmousey]

Just beautiful! A very touching tribute. ANd a great photo! D

[alycewilson]

Thank you! She didn't like photos of herself, but it was such a genuinely joyful moment.

[halfshellvenus]

What a complicated situation, both for your mom AND your dad.

She'd always taken glee in this story. Always seemed sneaky to me. Fine for Harry, but what about his wife?
This especially struck me, because while your mom identified with Harry in that scenario... your dad was much closer to being in the wife's position, and it really wasn't entirely fair. Even though your mom was clear with him about her limitations, where there is love, there will always be hope.

It's clear that your mom got the family she always wanted, and I hope that for both your parents, divorcing gave them a second chance to find the lasting love they both deserved.

[alycewilson]

I certainly think my Mom did think that she found that after all. My dad has also been in a long-term relationship now that seems to work for him.

I'm just happy we were able to stay together as a family. We even took vacations together in the last few years before Mom passed away, with my mom's partner and all.

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, family vacations as a large group is REALLY nice! It sounds as if things worked out well in the end for both of your parents, and that's great. :)

[alycewilson]

Yes, me too. :) I'm so happy they were able to remain friends.

[murielle]

"Happily ever after can be
complicated. No black-and-white endings
in a full-color world."

I love this! It is so, so true!

Thank you for sharing that wonderful picture of your beautiful mother and your precious little boy. <3

[alycewilson]

Glad you enjoyed it! Yes, we're all complicated.

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs...This could have been my dad's story too. I soooo get this...

[alycewilson]

*hugs* I bet more people have this sort of story than most people would realize.

[flipflop_diva]

I really love this look into your family and how complicated it is but also still full of love. The ending stanza is really great — true for most people, even if their family dynamics aren't as complex as yours.

I hope your dad was able to move on and have his happily ever after too.

And I love the picture of your mom and son!

[alycewilson]

Thanks. Yes, Dad has moved on, as well. But his family is the main interest for him, as well.