LJI Week 5: Carrying On

[alycewilson]

This is my entry for Week 5 of LJ Idol. The topic this week is "Kayfabe," a professional wrestling term you can read about at this Wikipedia page.

As you glide through a glinting pool, nearly
invisible in aqua, you smile. Joy
soaks through me in my sweaty
viewing box. For that instant, I need not pretend

that I'm well-rested
that I'm calm
that I have it all together.

For that moment, I see only
your lopsided grin, warm
umber eyes behind your goggles.

Not my endless self-doubt loop
anxious "what ifs"
grim news moments.

So much time I've spent
pretending, like in third grade, aping
my friend's love for golden-haired Danny,
never my type. If I pretended enough,
I thought, maybe it would take. No
such luck. But I just loved
to be around her
when she wore that love halo; wanted
to share it with her. After she
moved away, I fell hard
for Danny's opposite:
a long-nosed, dark-haired boy
with sarcastic wit. Pretending

we mostly do
for others. Grin
at bad jokes, dole out
compliments while our jealous
hearts roil. At times, I must
for your sake, project
confidence, security. If I
don't have answers, I possess
the power to find them.

But today, when I
tripped over folding chairs
left in the living room, fell flat
on harsh carpet while helping
you to the school bus, for once
I stopped pretending. I wept.
You regarded me with surprise,
while I regained control. Sat
beside me, patting my arm.

Be here, your touch said.
And for that moment, being here was enough.

---

It didn't fit in the poem, but I also wanted to add that, as if he had read my thoughts, KFP told me while he was comforting me that I'm a good Mommy just the way I am.