LJI Week 5: Carrying On

[alycewilson]

This is my entry for Week 5 of LJ Idol. The topic this week is "Kayfabe," a professional wrestling term you can read about at this Wikipedia page.

As you glide through a glinting pool, nearly
invisible in aqua, you smile. Joy
soaks through me in my sweaty
viewing box. For that instant, I need not pretend

that I'm well-rested
that I'm calm
that I have it all together.

For that moment, I see only
your lopsided grin, warm
umber eyes behind your goggles.

Not my endless self-doubt loop
anxious "what ifs"
grim news moments.

So much time I've spent
pretending, like in third grade, aping
my friend's love for golden-haired Danny,
never my type. If I pretended enough,
I thought, maybe it would take. No
such luck. But I just loved
to be around her
when she wore that love halo; wanted
to share it with her. After she
moved away, I fell hard
for Danny's opposite:
a long-nosed, dark-haired boy
with sarcastic wit. Pretending

we mostly do
for others. Grin
at bad jokes, dole out
compliments while our jealous
hearts roil. At times, I must
for your sake, project
confidence, security. If I
don't have answers, I possess
the power to find them.

But today, when I
tripped over folding chairs
left in the living room, fell flat
on harsh carpet while helping
you to the school bus, for once
I stopped pretending. I wept.
You regarded me with surprise,
while I regained control. Sat
beside me, patting my arm.

Be here, your touch said.
And for that moment, being here was enough.

---

It didn't fit in the poem, but I also wanted to add that, as if he had read my thoughts, KFP told me while he was comforting me that I'm a good Mommy just the way I am.

Comments

[thephantomq]

Kids are really too sweet, sometimes. They always try and do their best for mom and making her happy. :)

[alycewilson]

So very true! At moments like that, I feel truly blessed.

[the_eternal_overthinker]

Awww <3 This is heartfelt and honest! I loved it :)

[alycewilson]

Thank you. I had a lot of different ideas this week, including doing a longer personal essay on faking my interest in a boy for a friend, but after I went to swimming class and watched KFP, my idea changed.

[song_of_thea]

It is so sweet that your little one was there for you. It's okay to weep when you fall.

Your poem was tender, and lovely.

[alycewilson]

I try to hold it together for him, because I want him to see me as strong and capable. But he's a sweet soul, so I'm glad I showed him my true feelings that time. It's nice to know that not only will I always be there for him, but he'll always be there for me.

[tatdatcm]

You’ve truly summed up what it means to be a mommy. Pretending confidence and security. One of the most difficult parts of being a parent. But, I believe that pretense also leads to strengths we didn’t think we had.

Also, your son is very sweet and very perceptive. He must have a good mom. :)

[alycewilson]

He is a very good son. I'm proud to be raising a little guy who seems on a trajectory to being a really good, kind person.

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, what a sweet thing for him to say! And that's what the arm-patting said, too. He understands when you're feeling bad, even if it so rarely slips out.

And that's one of the hardest jobs for a parent, constantly modeling that strength and security and stability even in moments where that isn't what we feel.

[alycewilson]

Exactly! I think the best example of that would be one time when he and I were lost, and I was actually very scared but managed to project confidence throughout the experience.

[dmousey]

Oh, gods Alyce. You made me tear up. Your little KFP, dude, he loves you. It's so obvious in his stories! Please, try to remember, kids don't need perfect; They need love, security, and hugs. (and sometimes cookies, or pizza)

*** huggs*** 😊✌🐁

[alycewilson]

Awww, thank you! I can always use the hugs. He is such a good little guy. It makes all the effort worth it.

[moretta]

Oh, darling. Hugs.

[alycewilson]

*hugs back* Thanks. I can always use hugs. Fortunately, I get KFP hugs in person.

[rayaso]

What a wonderful thing for him to say! Those are the moments to cherish. I loved your description of the pool at the beginning.

[alycewilson]

Thanks! I reached that description by writing in prose first and then condensing it to just the words I felt painted the scene best. I thought about doing this in prose but found I was getting too wordy.

[murielle]

I think it works perfectly with the prompt, the adoption of a persona not being your authentic self in the moment whatever the reason.

*Hugs*

Being real with our children (not that I'm saying you're false!) is probably the best compliment you can pay them. You opened up and KFP was able to be in that moment with you. He will probably remember it forever.

Wonderful! Brava!

[bellatrixe]

Reading this was like getting a warm hug. Loved! <3

[megatronix]

I love when our babies understand how to offer such pure comfort. The sweetest thing.

Lovely poem!

[adoptedwriter]

Awwww...

[tonithegreat]

Oh, this is gorgeous! Sad I didn’t comment last week. So relatable. For better or worse, my kids see me struggle sometimes too. The girls are big enough to know we’re in this together now on many levels. I almost managed to write something personal last week too, but it didn’t quite coalesce. Anyway, cheers on a nice entry!